


find me here amidst the chaos

by allsassnoclass (brightblackholes)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, references to suicidal thoughts, there are blankets and a fireplace, we're big on the comfort though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29214012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightblackholes/pseuds/allsassnoclass
Summary: “I know that you don’t want to talk to me about this stuff all the time, and that’s fine.  Your therapist is infinitely more qualified than me, anyway, but you don’t have to try to hide it from me, either.  If the bottom has dropped out from under you, you can still lean on me.  I’m here to love you.  I want to love you.”
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	find me here amidst the chaos

**Author's Note:**

> title is from Orpheus by Sara Bareilles, which is at this point one of my favorite songs and inspired this fic.
> 
> Ashton is depressed and mentions non-graphic suicidal thoughts. It's from Cal's POV so we don't get the full brunt of it. Stay safe and don't read if you don't want.

After dinner, when Calum has taken the dishes from Ashton’s hands to dry them and Ashton himself has retreated to the bedroom, Calum turns on the fireplace and makes sure there are blankets within easy reach. He lit a candle earlier in the afternoon, the living room now filled with the faint scent of vanilla, lights on the dimmer side but a gentle yellow, and if it turns out that Ashton doesn’t want to talk to him he can put on some music, oldies and classics to try and settle his mind for tonight.

He knocks gently on the bedroom door before opening it. Ashton is lying on top of the covers scrolling through his phone, blue light in front of his face the only thing illuminating the room now that the sun has gone down. It highlights the dark circles under his eyes, brought about not by a lack of sleep but by a lack of rest. Helping with that is Calum’s main goal of the night. 

“Hey,” Calum says. “Do you want to come out to the living room with me?”

Ashton glances up. Calum can see the mental debate he’s having, weighing if he has enough energy to do this one thing to appease him.

“Come on,” he says, extending his hand. “Leave everything else in here and just sit with me. I turned the fireplace on.” He takes a few steps into the room and Ashton sighs, setting his phone down and taking Calum’s hand. It’s cold and a little clammy.

Calum wants to bundle him up and keep him safe, take away all of what’s weighing on him and ensure everlasting comfort and happiness. He knows that he can’t do that, but he has a fireplace and a blanket and a scented candle, and hopefully that will be enough for now.

He knows what’s happening. Ashton has been doing so good for a while, but depression doesn’t automatically go away forever, and it seems to have reared its ugly head in a very big, very consuming way. Calum has watched Ashton retreat more and more into himself, a protective measure that they still haven’t moved past, but he recognizes the other signs, too. He doesn’t have the motivation to do what he enjoys right now, and whenever Calum has managed to catch him in a rare moment of happiness his smiles fade quicker, the ephemeral feeling disappearing faster than it should.

Getting him out of their dark bedroom and into the cozy living room is a good baby step.

Ashton curls up next to him the moment they sit down, pillowing his head on Calum’s thigh. Calum takes the quilt from the back of the couch and drapes it over him then runs his fingers through Ashton’s hair, careful not to get caught on any snares. It’s soft and curly from his shower before dinner, part of Ashton’s routine to take care of himself. When he’s feeling bad mentally, he focuses a lot more on what he can do physically. It’s one way Calum knows that he’s still fighting, even if little things like a shower or brushing his teeth exhaust him easily.

He scratches over his scalp and Ashton sighs, sinking a little further into the cushions and releasing some of the tension that has built in his shoulders. His skin has a bit more color in it here with the warm light, but he’s still a little wane, the slightest outside indicator of how he’s been feeling inside.

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Calum says softly, “but I know you’re in a rough patch right now, and I know this one has been longer and worse than the other recent ones.”

Ashton buries his face in Calum’s thigh more. He lets him hide, brushing through his hair again.

“You know I love you.”

It’s not a question. Ashton nods anyway.

“I know that you don’t want to talk to me about this stuff all the time, and that’s fine. Your therapist is infinitely more qualified than me, anyway, but you don’t have to try to hide it from me, either. If the bottom has dropped out from under you, you can still lean on me. I’m here to love you. I want to love you.”

“I know,” Ashton says. “I don’t want to put that on you. The world is shitty enough without you having to deal with my shit, too.”

“If sharing that with me makes your world a little less shitty, then I want you to.”

Ashton sighs again. The fireplace crackles.

“I miss when I didn’t hate it here,” Ashton says quietly. “I miss being five years old and not realizing how awful and unfair everything is. My mom used to turn everything into an adventure for us, but looking back there were so many times when we struggled without me realizing. She didn’t do anything wrong but still got dealt a bad fucking hand, and there are millions of people like her out there, and once you learn that you can’t go back.”

Calum hums. It’s a conversation that they’ve had many times. Calum has lived through his own share of hardships, but Ashton’s have lingered much longer, settling deep into his bones and completely shifting how he sees the world.

“There are still good things,” Calum says. “There are a lot of good people out there trying to make the world better, and even when you get an unfair and shitty hand, there’s still people to hold on to. Your mom was able to shield you from this as long as she did because she loves you. When everything is falling apart around you, find something in the chaos to hold on to.”

“I do,” Ashton says. He swallows. “I don’t know why I’m here anymore. I don’t really see the point of it. But whenever I start really thinking about… ending it, I guess, I think about that night at Joshua Tree when we stayed up all night stargazing and being with each other. I want to feel like that again. I keep telling myself I will, even if I don’t… even if it doesn’t feel like it.”

Calum reaches down and squeezes one of his hands. Ashton grips back just as tight.

“Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

“I said a lot of things.”

“You said that we were written in the stars, the two of us, together.”

Ashton hums.

“A lot of constellations end in tragedy.”

“Not us,” Calum says. “We’ll be okay.”

“How do you know? How can you say things like that when there’s never a guarantee?”

“I have faith in us. You are one of the best pieces of my world, and that’s enough for me to know we’ll be just fine. I’m going to keep convincing you of that for as long as you let me.”

Ashton adjusts his grip on Calum’s hand, clutching it against his chest.

“I don’t want you to stop,” Ashton says. “I know I get distant when I’m like this, but you help, and I like your faith in us. I need it. I’m not optimistic like you, not really.”

“I know, love. We balance each other out.”

Ashton snorts.

“You mean I weigh you down.”

“Hey, no. Not at all. You make me happy. This is a two-way street, Ash. No one lifts me up more than you.”

Ashton sighs, and Calum knows that he doesn’t believe it, but he also knows that he’s not going to convince him tonight, not when he’s feeling this low. If he presses, Ashton is going to retreat into himself, feeling guilty that he can’t give Calum the answers he wants.

“Will you make me a promise?” Calum asks. Ashton wavers.

“What is it?”

“Will you hang on for another week?”

Ashton adjusts his grip on Calum’s hand again. The fire crackles.

“Yeah. I can do that.”

“Good.”

Calum runs another gentle hand through Ashton’s hair.

“What happens after a week?” he asks.

“I’ll ask you for another one, and I’ll keep asking until you don’t need me to anymore.”

Ashton nods.

“Do you remember what I promised you back when you first learned about my depression?” he asks. Calum tries to think back, but mostly he remembers thinking how unfair it is that someone who made so many people happy could be so unhappy himself. It’s been years, but he can perfectly recall the way his heart stopped when he first saw the scars. The exact words exchanged are muddy.

“You promised to always love me if I promised to not give up on that love.”

That’s a risky promise for a sixteen-year-old to make. Calum is glad that he didn’t break it, but even back then he must have known that Ashton was the one for him.

“I’ll always love you,” Calum says.

“Then I won’t give up on love.”

Calum presses his lips together and breathes against the sudden tightness in his chest.

“Can you say it again?”

“We will not give up on love. Not our love, or the world’s love, or any of it. We will not give up on love now.”

Ashton’s voice is steady, and Calum knows that he’s promising himself just as much as he’s promising Calum. He leans down, folding himself in half uncomfortably to place a kiss on Ashton’s temple. Ashton squeezes his eyes shut and takes a shaky breath.

“We’ll get through this,” Calum says. “You won’t feel like this forever. Keep pushing forward, love.”

Ashton nods.

“Can you talk to me? Just--help me see the world the way you do. Please.”

Calum would do anything for him, so he begins to speak. He starts with Joshua Tree, because he knows that it’s easiest for Ashton to love the world when they’re there together, and he keeps describing good things like the feeling of summer rain on their skin or listening to a favorite song for the first time until his voice is getting dry from all of the use and Ashton suggests they go to bed. He doesn’t stop when Ashton begins crying in the middle, just holds him a little tighter, heart breaking because he knows that these tears aren’t going to be the catharsis Ashton needs.

He has an appointment with his therapist tomorrow, which will hopefully give him a direction to work in. Calum wishes he could help more, but Ashton has been good for so long that this new low took him by surprise. He feels rusty, but Ashton has promised not to give up, and that’s enough. They’ll figure it out. As long as Ashton keeps reaching for him, he’ll keep being here, giving him whatever he can. He might not know how to give stitches, but he can keep applying band-aids until the wound scars over. He has to believe that that’s enough for now.

Once they’re in bed and properly under the covers, Ashton falls asleep first, curled into him. Calum promises whoever is listening that he’ll keep walking through this darkness with Ashton until they both reach the sunlight again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at [allsassnoclass!](http://allsassnoclass.tumblr.com)


End file.
